Episode 2
2 | Dead Goldfish & Pregnancy | A Little Bit Bothered
In this episode of A Little Bit Bothered, the girls dive into a range of topics from the quirky to the deep and vulnerable. We kick things off with icebreaker questions that reveal our fears, experiences with haunted houses, and Nicole's need for socks in the house. We then chat about psychological thrillers and share our thoughts on their most twisted elements. We confess the weirdest things we’ve found in our fridges and discuss the ‘boy mom ick’—how to raise respectful sons while navigating our own insecurities. Plus, we get real about the trials of pregnancy and infertility, emphasizing the need for empathy and support. Join us for an episode full of laughs, honesty, and heartfelt reflections as we share why we're a little bit bothered!
Meet your hosts:
Kelsie @mynameiskelsie
Nicole @niclucchetti
Ashley @ashley.baileybonner
Monica @the.monicajean
Follow us @alittlebitbothered
Join us every Thursday for new episodes!!
Transcript
Welcome
Ashley (:Yeah, dude.
Nicole (:the a little bit bothered podcast you know that group chat where you run to share everything the good the bad the ugly. That's what this is. And if you don't have a bestie group chat, well now you do. It's us. want to share wins our losses with you and our venting sessions. So make sure to follow us at a little bit bothered on everything and join the community. But let's go ahead and see what we're bothered about today. I'm Nicole.
Monica (:Yes!
Ashley (:Hmm?
Kelsie (:I'm Kelsie.
Ashley (:I'm Ashley.
Monica (:And I'm Monica. I am so excited. I'm, yes.
Nicole (:Woo!
Ashley (:Woo! Episode two!
Kelsie (:Yeah!
Nicole (:too! episode two! hell yeah dude! sorry I'm really I'm really not bothered at all about our intro okay that's not what we're bothered about today we love the intro
Ashley (:Yes.
Monica (:Nope.
No, was fun to make.
Ashley (:No, we love the intro.
Kelsie (:We love it.
Ashley (:I hope our people get it. Our people must be here, yeah. Yeah, you're in the right place,
Nicole (:I hope our people get it if you get it you are our people and you're stuck with us
Monica (:am so excited to get into the topics today. We have some good ones I hope all of you listening will feel like you know us a little bit more by the end of this episode I know We are so brand new to all of you. So you're new to us as well Be sure to follow us and drop into our DMs. Here's some stories with us Tell us a little bit about you But also I hope that you walk away from today's episode feeling like you know a little bit more about us.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Nicole (:Mm -hmm.
Monica (:Let's get into
Nicole (:Yes, let's
Kelsie (:Let's go!
Nicole (:just
Kelsie (:get to know our hosts a little bit more with icebreakers.
Nicole (:y 'all need to get to know us better We're weird and we want to show that to you and we want you guys to be weird with us So feel free to please be weird with us on our socials. Make sure you're following us on all the things. Okay, Kelsie And I choose you because you usually have the most embarrassing story So what is your most embarrassing thing that has happened to you recently?
Monica (:So weird.
Kelsie (:I would say nothing but that wouldn't be true.
Nicole (:Don't lie to me. We don't lie here.
Ashley (:We know it wouldn't.
Kelsie (:We went on a little family adventure the other day which required us to park in a parking garage and as we were walking back to said parking garage there were like you know the parking lot poles that kind of separate the sidewalk from the from the driving area you know the big yellow poles that stick up out of the ground that you couldn't miss if you tried.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Monica (:ones that are yellow to get your attention.
Kelsie (:Yeah, the ones that you're, yeah, mm -hmm, very large. It's about four feet tall. Shouldn't miss them. Anyways, I saw it. I saw it. I did. And I was holding my son's hand and we were just walking and then all of a sudden I hit something really hard and I looked down and I have just ran into this giant four foot yellow pole that I had seen.
Ashley (:That's like the caution color.
Nicole (:Yeah, literally.
That makes it worse. You saw it.
Kelsie (:10 yards back, but apparently blocked out of my brain. Anyways, I walked straight into it and that thing went straight into my crotch. And I thought that I split my coochie open.
It was, I... And that's not even the worst part. The fact that I saw it and walked into it is one thing, but there was this old couple and then like another family right behind them just walking straight at me. They watched me walk into a pole.
Nicole (:They just looked at you in your eyes while it happened. that's rude.
Ashley (:Did anyone say anything?
Kelsie (:no one said a word and this old man made eye contact with me but I was like I literally just split my freaking crotch in half and I have to pretend like it didn't hurt because I have to get out of this situation as fast as I can so I'm like limping trying to catch up with my husband and
Ashley (:Everyone just pretended it didn't happen.
What?
Kelsie (:I think there's blood rushing down my leg because there's no way that I didn't just cut my crotch clear open right now and my hit my knee too. So I'm literally limping. I'm not kidding. It was swollen and bruised for like two days.
Nicole (:break my pelvic bone.
Monica (:my goodness.
Nicole (:Dude, for reference, I'm five foot one. So like, if I ran into it, I would run straight into, like my face would be shattered if I ran into one of those. I literally would. She's tall.
Ashley (:That's tragic.
You get a black eye. Kelsie's over six foot,
Monica (:Same, same.
Kelsie (:Yeah, I'm six foot so when I run into it, went straight into my vagina.
Ashley (:Lucky you.
Monica (:episode 2 and we're getting close with Kelsie again.
Kelsie (:Can you see?
Nicole (:Again, we're hanging out in Kelsie's nether regions again.
Ashley (:Again. Kelsie's our oversharer.
Kelsie (:I am.
Nicole (:gosh. It's you.
Ashley (:You know the one.
Kelsie (:Whoops. Yeah, it's me. Hi, it's me. Every time. I think we learned that.
Monica (:Oops.
Ashley (:Ha ha!
Wait, I think we should just reverse the question and ask Nicole her most embarrassing story.
Nicole (:I swear. No, I like not anything recent. I don't get embarrassed. And I think it's from years of my mother trying to embarrass me that I don't, I don't get embarrassed.
Ashley (:That can't be true.
you're just like, you're closed to it. You don't feel embarrassment? Honestly, it does.
Nicole (:I'm just like, that's funny. No, it is. And if I do get embarrassed, it's like so fleeting, because I'm just like, whatever. Can't change it now. Yeah, thanks. It might live rent free in my head for a little while, but otherwise I'm just like, what can you do? I really don't. wish.
Kelsie (:I feel like...
Monica (:That sounds like a superpower.
Ashley (:Wow, that's great.
Monica (:I'm envious, like on such a deep level.
Nicole (:Next time something embarrassing happens to me i'm gonna write it down so and then i'll bring it to you guys because I can't I was trying to remember something like While she was talking and I was like I don't I can't sorry I was but I was also thinking like what my answer would be you don't do that You don't do that. Wait, that's not normal. You don't think about what you would also respond to When you hear somebody else giving a
Ashley (:Okay, yes, please.
Kelsie (:You weren't listening to me? No? You weren't actively listening to what I was saying?
Ashley (:You
I'm
Kelsie (:I do, but I'm also taking college courses about active listening and that's a no -no. You're not supposed to think ahead.
Nicole (:well, I would fail. I would fail. I can't help it. It's my anxiety brain. My anxiety brain is like, what are we going to say? Answer the question that wasn't asked to you.
Ashley (:Ooh, Nicole's in trouble.
Kelsie (:I do have a question for you, Nicole. What is your weirdest phobia? Because I feel like you're a bitch with a weird phobia, for sure.
Nicole (:okay.
Ashley (:Mmm.
Nicole (:It's not weird, it's common. really, I don't like spiders. I mean, yeah, because I really hate spiders, but like, I also, I have this phobia, it's not a phobia. I can't not wear socks in my house. Is that a phobia? Like my feet, it does. I can't walk around barefoot in my house.
Kelsie (:She knew right off the bat what she was gonna say.
Monica (:Yeah, she was like,
Ashley (:That sounds like a phobia.
Monica (:Like, what are you afraid is gonna happen if you don't wear socks?
Nicole (:nothing I just don't like stuff on my feet and I feel like yeah and so it's not really like a phobia but it's like a new thing that like freaks me out if I don't have socks on my feet
Ashley (:Is it like a sensory thing?
Kelsie (:It's a sensory thing.
We need, we need to take a poll on this. When everyone listens to this, you need to let us know, come to our DMS and tell us, is this a weird thing? Do you wear, do you have to wear socks in your house?
Nicole (:Yeah, please. Do you socks?
I usually wear socks and slippers, but my husband makes fun of my slippers because they make the ch -ch -ch -ch -ch noise around my house. And he's like, I can hear you coming. You're not sneaky.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Nicole (:But,
Ashley (:It's like those 90s pants, those swish pants, you know those ch ch ch ch.
Nicole (:Yes, yes, yes, yes So, I mean I guess that's not really a phobia, but it's a weird thing of mine my true phobia though And I don't actually want to tell you guys this because I feel like it's gonna be used against me in the near future I don't like clowns I don't like clowns. They're absolutely Did you think I said clouds? You're stupid. No, I'm just kidding Clean your fucking ears Clown bitch, I don't like clowns
Monica (:breaker material.
What? clowns! Not what I... Yes!
Ashley (:Clouds? clowns. I thought you said clouds. I thought we were going a different route.
Monica (:It's just like...
I was like, I know you don't like tornadoes, but like dang.
Ashley (:I thought that's where it was going. I
Nicole (:No, clowns. Clowns are it. I watched the movie It when I was far too young and it literally traumatized me. And I mean,
Ashley (:Mmm. Mm -hmm.
Nicole (:You guys know this, for those who don't know me, which is everybody listening to this, I love scary movies and like the paranormal and the creepy weird things. But that's where I draw the line. Like I can't, cannot, I cannot do it. And my best friend, she was, she saw the new one, the new it, and she was like, no, you have to watch it. It's like not as scary as you remember. And I was like, no, I just won't. I will not, I will absolutely not do that at all.
And I can't, it's something I cannot get past. I went to a haunted house one time when it's like 20 years old and there was a clown and I cried. Like straight up cried. You know, I've been, I have been, that wasn't the place that I cried at, but.
Monica (:you would not do well at Fear Farm.
Nicole (:The first ever one that I went to, I cried because there was a clown and then I got over it and I was able to like go and I was like, okay, like they're fun, but they still like, they're something that makes me really uncomfortable. So when I get to that part of the scary, have to put like a, I have to put a front on and I'm like, okay, bye. And I like book it as fast as I can away from the clouds. Bye. Can't do it.
Monica (:They sense your fear.
Ashley (:I feel like the trick to haunted houses is to not act scared like when you act afraid, you know? Then they like target you and they come at you and you have to like, have to put on your own mask, you know? And then they move on. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.
Nicole (:Right, that's... Yeah.
Kelsie (:Yes. Yes.
Monica (:Mm -hmm.
Nicole (:Yep, that's what I do when the clowns come. That's what I do when the clowns come. Because I know that they're there, because it's a common fear for people now, I feel like. So that's what I do. it's funny, the ones with the chainsaws, I always laugh because I'm like, I can see that you don't have a chain on your chainsaw. And that's the thing I'll focus on. I'm like, you can't actually hurt me because you don't have a chain on your chainsaw. see, no, because
Kelsie (:The chainsaws fucked me up, man. You wanna get me running, you pull out a fucking chainsaw. I know that it's not real, but I will run. I will run for my life.
Nicole (:Nah, dude, see that doesn't scare me. That doesn't scare me. The chainsaw itself doesn't scare me. It's the person that's wielding the chainsaw that I want to fucking just pass out.
Ashley (:Chain or no chain?
Kelsie (:My irrational fear is that they're a psycho person and they put a chain on the chainsaw and they're gonna murder me in a haunted house and who's gonna know that it's fake because it's a haunted house?
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Nicole (:Okay, thank you for that. Thank you for that. Thank you. Thank you so much for that. Thank
Monica (:stop, okay.
Okay, and now there will be no more haunted houses.
just afraid of the chainsaws. And so like, no, thank you. Which is actually funny because Fear Farm was my husband and I's first date.
Ashley (:Okay, Monica, next question's for you. Okay, actually also I want to mention that we pulled up these questions off of our fifth wheel, which is our friend Chat, GPT, AKA Chad. It's Monica's boyfriend.
Nicole (:our lover Chad. So if you hear us reference Chad it's really just chat GPT.
Ashley (:Yeah, if you guys are wondering who Chad is, it's not one of our husbands, it's just Monica's bestie, chatGPT Chad. He gave us some icebreaker questions. So Monica's question is, if you had to have dinner with any fictional character, who would it be?
Nicole (:Yep, hair side piece.
Monica (:this one is gonna sound so random.
Ashley (:Don't say Chad.
Monica (:But I have so many, no, I'm not chatting.
Nicole (:Yeah, don't do that kid, not including Chad.
Monica (:Not Chad, not Chad. Chad and I, we talk regularly, it's fine.
Ashley (:besides Chad.
Yeah.
Monica (:No, actually, okay, so I think because we were talking about this book the other day, so it's probably why it's in my mind, but I would want to have dinner with Verity because I have so many questions. So many questions.
Kelsie (:my god, yes!
Ashley (:that's a good one.
Nicole (:That's so good. I just dropped my phone. Sorry, I don't know if that was loud. No, that's such a good.
Monica (:So many, so many, so many questions though.
Kelsie (:What would you ask her? Give us two.
Monica (:Mm
Nicole (:Please, let's give it, please.
Monica (:mean I like I've thought about how in the world she was able to like and sorry if any of you listening have not read the book Verity like spoilers tune out right now right now
Nicole (:Spoilers spoilers spoilers
Ashley (:Yeah, spoiler, I know what I was gonna say. Spoiler alert for verity.
Kelsie (:Verity by Colleen Hoover. Spoiler, spoiler, spoiler. Go.
Ashley (:Yes. I feel like everyone's read it. The coho, like, fad, you know, has been going.
Monica (:Yes, so I mean if you haven't read it tune out now go read it and then come back and tell me what you DM us tell us what you think But I just have so many questions because how in the world did she pull it off like? To be that still to be that quiet to be able to tolerate that like how do you pull that off? Like how do you have that level of self -control and like to be that still? You know what I mean?
Ashley (:you
Nicole (:I have a lot of questions for the husband. I forgot his name, but I mean, my biggest question is like, why, why, how? My biggest questions are how and why, yeah.
Ashley (:It's fucking freaky.
Monica (:name either. Clearly I mean I don't care because I don't want to have dinner with him. I want to have dinner with Ernie.
yeah well and then of course there's always like the question of like what were the manuscripts right were they real or not but like just so
Kelsie (:Yes. And if they weren't real, what possessed your crazy ass to write them and not - I'm sorry, but I feel like you should have told him from the beginning, I'm writing these. This is fake. If you ever find these, because that shit was fucked up.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Nicole (:Literally. Yeah.
Monica (:Yes. Yes.
Nicole (:It really was. It really was. I'm just, my God. The whole book from the beginning.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. The whole book honestly is twisted.
Monica (:So, so messed up.
Kelsie (:Like from the beginning, when she wrote it, she should have written, this is fake. I'm practicing my writing because this is going to make me sound like a psycho.
Nicole (:Literally. my gosh. It had me. It had me. I was like, these are real. And now crazy. Sorry. That's a good one, Monica.
Monica (:Right?
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Yep.
Monica (:Well, and I think if there's... yeah, for sure.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Kelsie (:They might be. I hope they were because if not she was... She
Ashley (:Yep.
Kelsie (:for nothing.
Monica (:yeah the entire book was like so twisted but yeah I have so many questions about like what actually happened and we still don't know.
Nicole (:That's a good one, Monica.
It was such a mindfuck.
Ashley (:Yeah. Yeah, that was a good one.
Kelsie (:That was such a good one, Monica. I knew you'd have a good answer.
Nicole (:No, and it's probably gonna be a one -off and we'll never know.
Monica (:Thank you. Thank you.
Ashley, we're gonna get intimate. What's the weirdest thing in your fridge right now?
Ashley (:Okay, weirdest thing in my fridge. I mostly have just like snacks in there, you know, because I have toddlers, snacks and drinks, but we do like save all of our bacon grease, you know, so we can like cook with it later. So we do have jars of like bacon grease. Also my husband smoked, he smoked a pork. Is that weird? that, most people have bacon grease? Okay.
Monica (:Are they labeled? Because that might be confusing. No, but I could just see like some random person being like, what is
Nicole (:No, at least I don't.
Ashley (:They're just like mason jars of grease. There's also a mug. There's also a mug of grease in my fridge from last time my husband smoked a pork. So I guess those would be the weirdest things in there. My sourdough starter.
Kelsie (:I think a lot
Nicole (:just have grease in your fridge. That's not weird.
Kelsie (:I don't think that's that weird. I think you would find a lot of older people especially have probably grease in their fridge.
Monica (:Mm -mm. Yeah.
Ashley (:Ja.
Nicole (:with grease in their refrigerator? I do think it's weird, yeah.
Ashley (:Nicole thinks it's weird. Well, it's like, it's like a fad. Like, like what's the beef called? tallow. It's like tallow. Yeah. Except with bacon. Yeah. I couldn't think of the word, but it came to me when I said beef. I knew if I said beef, it would come to me. And it's like the same thing. It's like filtered and cooked down so you can use it for like whatever, you know, you could like use it as chapstick. Just like tallow.
Kelsie (:people.
Monica (:You can reuse it.
Nicole (:okay. Yeah. Yeah. What's the beef? What's the beef?
Kelsie (:We've got the beef.
Nicole (:I mean, I think that's kind of weird, but...
Monica (:goodness.
Nicole (:Yeah, makes it's practical, practical, a little weird, but practical. I like it though. Update us, please update
Monica (:Mm
Ashley (:little weird. That's the weirdest thing. I don't think I have anything weirder than that. I'm gonna go look after this.
Monica (:I don't think it's that weird. Yeah.
Ashley (:I wish I could tell you there was placenta in there or something, but there's not, Wish I had something more entertaining. What else could be weird? What else would be weird to have in your fridge?
Nicole (:That's funny, placenta.
Monica (:No, not what I thought you were gonna go
Kelsie (:that could get dark or freaky real quickly.
Ashley (:Yeah, it could actually. wait, that reminds me when we bought our house, not not me buying my house, but my parents, when they bought their house and we were cleaning out the fridge, there was dead goldfish in Ziploc baggies in the freezer. Yep. So that was weird in my fridge once upon a time.
Nicole (:It, yeah,
Nope, nope. That's weird. And I mean, Jeffrey Dahmer probably had some weird shit in his fridge too. We know that. So see, it could get weird. It could get really weird. She said, gross. It's my favorite path. The strange one. Leave it to me. I love, love my serial killers.
Kelsie (:See, that's weird.
Monica (:okay, that's weird.
Ashley (:Gross. Mm -hmm. Yeah, we're going down a strange path. Yeah. Leave it to Nicole to bring up Jeffrey Dahmer.
Kelsie (:it could get weird.
Monica (:Yep, that would be weird.
Kelsie (:Speaking
of really weird crap can we talk about the video or the story where the groom was getting married and the wife went looking for him and they found him in his like suite or whatever or a closet or something breastfeeding from his mother
Nicole (:Yep, okay. Nope. That was on Reddit. no. yeah, no. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Monica (:No, no, no, no, no.
Kelsie (:Because I know we were talking about boy mom icks and that is like the epitome of boy mom ick.
Nicole (:that's the queen of boy mom icks. That wins them all. Like, how are you... What are you probably... If you're getting married, you're probably at least in your 20s. At very least. You're probably maybe in your 30s. What are you doing with your mother? Stop it. Get away.
Monica (:Yeah, that one that one takes the cake.
Ashley (:That's ultimate.
Yeah.
I have so many questions about it. I have so many questions.
Monica (:hope so badly that that is a fake story. Like, and I have to convince myself that wasn't real. That was just for entertainment.
Nicole (:I hope it also was a fake story.
Ashley (:Yeah, how could it be? Wait, it's weird that they would get all the way to the point of getting married and that's when, that's like divine intervention that she caught it in that moment, if that is true, because how did she not know it like leading up to? Like how did she never?
Nicole (:It made me nauseous. It made me nauseous.
Nope. Yes. my god. How did they must he must have been hiding it from her
Monica (:Just special occasions, Ashley.
Ashley (:Okay, how does this woman even have breast milk? Where is this woman getting the breast milk from? I'm Bleh, gross.
Kelsie (:Yeah, like how often does this happen?
Nicole (:Well, I mean if you if you don't stop Yep, if you don't stop it just keeps going. you said stimulated and I got chills all the way like from the base of my neck all the way down. No
Kelsie (:Someone is keeping it stimulated.
Ashley (:No, this is boymamiq. That's disgusting.
Monica (:Well, I think this kind of describes.
Kelsie (:I mean, the dad was there too though, wasn't he? So the dad is in on it. Yeah, he was, I'm pretty sure it was like the dad was there and he was suckling off the teeth of his mother. It's like a family affair. It's really messed
Nicole (:I
No, stop. I... Could
Ashley (:my god. Did they get married though?
Nicole (:No, I don't think so. think I'm pretty sure she left.
Kelsie (:No, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure she ran for the fucking hills.
Monica (:No.
Ashley (:What an embarrassing story. What if you have to go out and tell your wedding guests? The wedding's called off. Literally.
Nicole (:That is an embarrassing story.
Kelsie (:She is where the runaway bride originated from.
Nicole (:Literally, my god. I could not your whole life would just be feel like a lie You know what? mean? Like I was with this person for however long obviously long enough to say yes, I want to marry you and Feel yeah have that trust to marry that person. I'm I'm sweating with disgust. No, I can't I'm sweating like literally sweating. That's worse it's worse
Monica (:How do trust?
Ashley (:Yeah, I am too, actually. It's like worse than like a normal story, like cheating or something. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's worse.
Monica (:Yeah, well I think like, yeah.
Nicole (:It's worse. What it's so incestuous and gross.
Kelsie (:Because it's like incest cheating. Yeah.
Ashley (:Yeah, I think that that's the whole problem. That's the whole like how there's this whole like boy mom ick thing. I think it's like the incestuous, you know, like possessiveness over their boys type of stuff that's making people. Mm hmm. Yeah.
Monica (:Mm -hmm.
Kelsie (:implications,
Monica (:mm -hmm yeah like this is peak boy mom ick and obviously the exception to what is like typically out there but yeah it's that vibe it's that vibe of it being like this possessiveness
Nicole (:Guys, okay, I can't, because I keep getting, I keep, I actually can, like, I have an image in my head and I can't get it out. So can we like, okay, thank you. Like, I keep literally, and I'm sorry for those of you listening to me doing like vomit noises. Sorry. If that's a weird trigger for anybody, apologize in advance. No, I don't.
Kelsie (:I do too, I do too.
Monica (:I know, I know.
Ashley (:Okay, moving on, moving on. Sorry to everyone that had to hear that story.
Yeah, I think I did one too. I apologize.
People don't like that generally, I think.
Nicole (:Here I am just sorry okay no more I'm I know know know know I'm sorry I
Kelsie (:And then you did it.
I think that it started from a good place of just loving your son and it just slowly, TikTok by TikTok got taken too far. And then when they threw in that Celine Dion song, that was it. That was the final straw. There was no coming back from that.
Ashley (:Mm. Mm -hmm.
Nicole (:stop. Ew.
Monica (:We're gonna lose Nicole again.
Ashley (:Yeah.
Kelsie (:says, we're all just living this life for the first time. So we got to give a little grace.
Ashley (:that's my favorite thing I've ever said to Kelsie.
Nicole (:Pistashleyo, our little Pistashleyo That's my name for Ashley. We call her Pistachio because she's a tough nut to crack. But her name is Ashley, so I had to smash it together and now she's Pistashleyo.
Ashley (:Yeah, I don't, I don't feel like I'm
Kelsie (:We trauma dump a lot and we found pretty recently that we realized that Ashley doesn't trauma dump quite as much as we do and that we didn't really know as many of her deep -seated traumas as she knows about us. So we've been cracking her like a pistachio.
Ashley (:Yeah. No, we've been in this group chat. Yeah, we've been in this group chat together for, I don't know, months, right? The four of us have a group chat. And all of a sudden they're like, wait, Ashley, we don't know you. And they're asking me all these weird random questions, like my favorite color and stuff. I didn't realize I was so closed off, but apparently. But then I told my husband that and he was
Nicole (:Like a year? It's like a year?
Monica (:It's like a year now.
important stuff.
Ashley (:He was like, he was like in agreeance. He's like, yeah, I tell you that you should be more open or whatever. I'm like, okay. I guess, I guess it tracks.
Nicole (:Great, thanks. Okay.
Monica (:That's so funny.
Kelsie (:our little Pistashleyo
Ashley (:Yeah, welcome to my nickname, Pistashleyo. But yes, we're all just living this life for the first time, doing our best.
Nicole (:Our Little Pistashleyo!
I love it, I love it.
Monica (:Yes.
Nicole (:Mm -hmm.
Kelsie (:speaking of motherhood and all things motherhood, what what bothers you most or has bothered you the most?
What's got you a little bit bothered?
Ashley (:Okay, I have something I'm a little bit bothered by and maybe this is good. I don't know if you guys even know this about me. So maybe this is new news to everybody. I'm a little bit bothered. Yes, I know this is perfect timing. I'm a little bit bothered by the way that my, I have two sons, the way that my births went. I had scheduled C -sections for both of them. And like, had
Nicole (:Or a lot.
Monica (:Best Ashley out.
Nicole (:Crack in the pistachio!
Ashley (:Like if I could go back, I would have never scheduled C -sections for them because my first son, I went until like 41 weeks and I never had any like contractions. He didn't drop. Like nothing was really happening, but I also never like really tracked my period or anything. So my timing could have been off, but the other thing was he was huge. However, I'm almost six foot. My husband's six foot. I was like a nine pound baby. He was too. So like, it's not surprising that, you know,
Monica (:intense.
Nicole (:rough.
Ashley (:Our son is large, but also I'm not a small person, so I probably like could birth a large baby, but we'll never know because my doctor was like pushed for a C -section, like really pushed for it. And I was just like at that stage, like, well, whatever the doctor says is best is best, which is not necessarily my school of thought anymore, but back then it was.
Nicole (:think they yeah and they kind of scare first -time moms into certain things I feel like that might be an unpopular opinion I'm whoops okay anyway yeah
Ashley (:Yes!
Monica (:I think it really depends on your doctor, but yes, I've heard so many stories.
Ashley (:that's a
Kelsie (:Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Ashley (:Yeah, that's a whole other, yeah, but the medical healthcare industry as a whole. But yeah, I felt like she really pushed me to have the C -section. So that's what we did. We scheduled it. And then to like compound the issue, I still was just like a new mom and kind of like not, like still not really like sure of everything I was doing. So when I got pregnant again, which my son was one when I got pregnant.
Nicole (:thing.
Ashley (:pretty quick after I had the same doctor and again she pushed for a C -section. She's like, well, you've already had one. So, you know, normally we'd just schedule another one. And again, I'm like, okay, this is what the doctor says is best. And this is when it really started to like, this is the one that pissed me off more because when you schedule a C -section, like my first, we waited till the 41 weeks, but when you schedule your second one, they recommend taking the baby out at 39 weeks.
so you don't go into labor. So at 39 weeks, they would have taken him out, but my doctor was out of town that week, so they opted to go a week earlier. And he ended up coming out, he was like two pounds less than my first son. He was only seven pounds. My first son was nine. So he could have cooked so much longer, I feel like. And that's when I really like started to get bothered by the fact that she just like really pushed me into both C -sections.
Nicole (:little itty -bitty
He could of
That would bother me too, especially because like that I feel like they often will tell you once you've had one c -section you can never have another like vaginal birth and that's not true. We do know that now. I think it was popular opinion at one point, but it is possible and like you said he could have cooked a little bit longer and yeah that would bother me too. Yeah, yeah.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Yeah, it just depends on your doctor.
You're just at their will, I feel like, which is just kind of annoying if you don't know to advocate for yourself, so.
Nicole (:True, very true.
Monica (:Like, I think the hard part too is that for a lot of women, like you've thought about how it's going to go for so long, like before you, maybe even had like your pregnancy. And so then sometimes when things like that happen, like it's just not how you envisioned it. And so it's almost like a delayed grief later on too, because it's just not what you had hoped for. It's not what you envisioned and it's just hard. And I think that sometimes that can carry.
throughout different parts of motherhood too. Is that like we envision it to be a certain way and then it's not.
Ashley (:Yeah. Yeah.
Nicole (:for sure.
Kelsie (:What about you, Monica? Was something hard for pregnancy for you?
Monica (:gosh. Pregnancy was just hard. I am 5 '2 and so I'm short and I probably have like the world's shortest torso, but my kids didn't care.
Nicole (:No, they usually don't. Typically they don't care. They don't give any fucks about anything.
Ashley (:Yeah, they're so selfish.
Monica (:So I was kind of chuckling to myself, Ashley, when you were describing how like the size of your kids, because all three of my kids were over nine pounds and there was no room for them at
Nicole (:my. My darling, I am sorry.
Ashley (:Wow.
That's crazy.
Monica (:Yeah, they were all over nine pounds and it was insane. But I think my second pregnancy was definitely like the most uncomfortable and challenging because I had polyhydramnios. So I had way too much amniotic fluid.
Yeah, it's wild. I didn't even know it was a thing until I was pregnant. But basically, by the time I hit, I think it was around like 37 weeks, I was measuring like I was carrying full term twins because there was so much fluid. And he literally had an entire swimming pool, like, they joked around about it in the hospital because I had to be induced because it created a high risk pregnancy. And literally, for about like 12 hours, like all of the nurses coming in would be like,
Nicole (:in the same joke.
Monica (:why are you high -risk? Polly got it and I'm like is it that big of a deal? Like okay and then they all made the same joke about like there's gonna be a swimming pool in here and I'm like okay okay and so then when they finally broke my water they were not kidding they had to like line the bed up with towels lined it
Ashley (:God, ew, I hate that.
Nicole (:Don't slip! my god.
Cut!
surprised they didn't bring in a kiddie pool just to catch it all or like a bucket.
Monica (:real. They lined my bed with like towel after towel after towel and then my doctor finally broke my water and like you could hear it hit the ground. Like it sounded like it sounded like somebody took a giant bucket and just like like it sounded I'm not exaggerating even a little bit. It sounded like somebody took a bucket of water and just like splashed it all over the floor to like mop the room.
Nicole (:Kelsie and I, our jaws just hit the floor.
Ashley (:Wow.
Nicole (:No!
Kelsie (:I have a question. When before you gave birth with all that, did it change the way you felt him? Like did he feel like he was moving more or less?
Monica (:okay so yeah so I think what's interesting is this is my more hyperactive child so he didn't stop moving like at all but you could yeah you could feel him doing like flips inside of me though like it hurts so bad like I knew when he was like flipping because I could like literally see it and like see him like kicking
Nicole (:Good question.
From the womb.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Nicole (:Gosh.
Okay, unpopular opinion about pregnancy. That's the weirdest thing when you can see them like, like a foot sticking out at borderline skeeves me like, like, you do? no, I can't. I don't like the feeling on the inside of my skin from the, no. Sorry, go on. so I didn't realize I was such a sensory weirdo until I got pregnant, actually.
Ashley (:I love that. I love it.
Kelsie (:I love it.
Monica (:And you too. I loved
Nicole and her like sensory stuff today.
Ashley (:I think it's great when they're lopsided.
Kelsie (:when you have Brax and Hicks and your stomach squeezes around them and you can like see their body shape inside of you
Nicole (:Whoop.
Monica (:Yes, it's so wild
Ashley (:weird, no that never happened to me.
Kelsie (:I well Yeah, it happened to me a lot. I had Brax and Hicks from like 20 weeks on
Monica (:What? man.
that's funny. well the funny... I had so many so many the funny thing about like me being pregnant though is that I carry completely in the front and so it was like that episode... this is a terrible episode of family guy... but it's like that episode where like quack meyers like seeing the skinny girl and she's like turning around and my husband and I choke.
Nicole (:I didn't have a lot of those, but ew.
Mm
That's Right. If somebody find it, insert.
Monica (:healthy face. My husband and I joke around it. Okay, I'll post one to Instagram.
Ashley (:We need to see a picture.
Kelsie (:It's the fact that you're referencing Quagmire in our podcast that's really got me right now.
Nicole (:You
Ashley (:just, Quagmire's
Monica (:We were, my husband and I were literally talking about this episode the other day because you would be behind me and you wouldn't know I was pregnant and then I would turn around to the side and I was serving tables my first pregnancy and the amount of times I'd be wearing my black polo and like facing somebody and then I'd turn and the entire table's like whoa!
Nicole (:Chad Fanny Quagmire.
Ashley (:hahahaha
Monica (:Like they didn't know I was pregnant.
Nicole (:I had the same, I carried the same. Maybe it's a short torso girl thing, cause I carried the same. It was very forward front. Like you couldn't tell I was pregnant from the back, except for my badonkadonk. I don't have a butt, okay? No butt, zero. But when I pregnant, your girl got a booty. That's the only giveaway. Besides my belly, obviously.
Monica (:That is hilarious. That's hilarious. pregnancy.
Nicole (:Was that your only pregnancy that was like not great though? Your second
Monica (:No, all three of them had various challenges that were just really, really hard. Like I had kidney stones my first pregnancy in the middle of my pregnancy. It was hospitalized three days. I had poly with my second and then with my third because I had like no ab structure left. I was in tremendous amount of pain from like 12 weeks on.
Ashley (:Ugh. Ugh.
Nicole (:my god. What the
Mm -hmm. Mm. that sucks. That really sucks.
Monica (:Yeah, pregnancy is just really hard.
Ashley (:What about you, Nicole?
Nicole (:I have really shitty pregnancies too. I hate those women that are like Yeah, okay, but still I want to I'm envious of those people because
Ashley (:that's me. That's me.
Monica (:Kelsie... Kelsie!
want to be one of those girls.
Nicole (:Or they're like, I just had the glow. I felt so beautiful. I'm like, no, I did not. I was a shriveled prune because I was puking from the moment I peed on the stick until the moment the child came out of me, literally puking constantly. And I didn't know that that was an actual medical thing until later because my mom had the same pregnancies. Do you think a doctor would ever actually say?
Ashley (:my god.
Monica (:Ugh, that's so hard.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Nicole (:what we had and I didn't find out till later that like Yeah, then nobody diagnosed me with hg. I didn't know that was a thing until after I was pregnant both times and Literally and I was so my second pregnancy I was so dehydrated I should have been hospitalized, but I didn't want to go to the hospital and I had to force myself to drink
Kelsie (:Nobody diagnosed you with HG.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Kelsie (:They really just be letting women suffer.
Ashley (:They really do.
Monica (:Mmm -hmm.
Nicole (:chicken noodle soup broth because but it was so hard because my own saliva made me nauseous. I literally would open my eyes and throw up. I my teeth are actually destroyed because of how much I was puking throughout my whole pregnancies both times and my first pregnancy I worked almost the actually the entire time I worked the entire pregnancy behind the chair as a hairstylist. I was working out like a dry bar type.
So I was taking clients every 45 minutes and in between each client I was puking So I was throwing up every 45 minutes every pretty much every day
Okay, well we had technical difficulties, so I don't really remember where I was at in the story, but I just had a really awful pregnancy. threw it was throwing up like Constantly it never failed in my first pregnancy I think I lost like 13 or 14 pounds in my first trimester before I like ever started putting on any weight and and that wasn't a red flag for anybody They were like, yeah pregnant people throw up. That was that was what I
Pregnant people throw up. But.
Monica (:so sad for you though that like that was the response that you got because I know that not every provider is that way and it makes me so
Nicole (:yeah.
Yeah, he was like here have some Zofran and then take a nap or try to eat something and then I had I had to switch providers at one point really early in my pregnancy and The first one that I had I was like listen, I'm so sick I can't eat it and eat anything The only thing I can eat is oranges and he was like well don't eat those because it's citrus and it's gonna upset you and your stomach more and I was like dude if it's the only thing I can eat I'm gonna eat it like I don't care
Monica (:There's no other option.
Nicole (:Like, what do you mean don't eat the oranges? That's the only thing I can stomach.
Kelsie (:Don't eat the thing that you can keep down because...
Nicole (:Don't eat the thing that you can keep down. Yeah, so was like, no, no, dude. And I had a meat aversion with both pregnancies. So bad, I couldn't go near it, I couldn't look at it, I couldn't smell it, I couldn't do anything. It was just the worst. And that is why I won't be getting pregnant ever again. Well, at least that's what I say. That's what I say. The other day I was actually telling Justin, was like, you wanna have more kids with me? And he was
Ashley (:Done.
Nicole (:Well, yeah, but I don't want you to have more kids because you have a whole like I want you to have more pregnancies. And I was like, yeah, I don't want to have any more pregnancies either. Never mind. They're just not.
Monica (:Pregnancies are just so, so much work on the body. It's so hard. Yeah.
Ashley (:Cancel.
Nicole (:And they're different for everybody in it. And I think like, that's gotta be hard on providers, but a little bit more like empathy or like, I don't know. You know, that's a whole other topic, the medical world, but that is why I'm having babies because my pregnancies were not great. But Kelsie, we know you love pregnancy. So give it to us. Give it to us. Dish this all about the pregnancy. Let's hear
Monica (:Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Kelsie (:I love being pregnant, but I'm not very good at getting pregnant. So my troubles lie before the pregnancy, not with the pregnancy. Yeah, so we struggled for several years to get pregnant, actually. So
Nicole (:Yes, yes.
Ashley (:you
Nicole (:Mm
How old are your kids? I've blanking. He's, Mattis is five? Yeah, okay. And then when did you guys start trying to have children?
Kelsie (:Five and then almost two. Yeah. So with
So we got married when we were 19 and Trevor didn't want to have kids right away and I did because I've always wanted kids. And so that was actually a point of contention in our marriage. The only thing we ever fought about was me wanting babies ASAP and him not wanting babies ASAP. But I also had this really deep rooted fear that something was wrong. Like from, from, I don't know, probably 17 or 18, I was
I had this fear that I couldn't get pregnant.
A few years of marriage went by and we just, he didn't want one so obviously we weren't having one. When someone doesn't want one, the compromise is not having one during that time. But when my grandpa passed away, I was very upset because obviously I was like, my kids will never get to meet him. And so that kind of like swayed him a little bit. So we started trying around then and
Monica (:You
Nicole (:Right, right.
Ashley (:Hahaha
maybe it's a sign of
Kelsie (:You might hear my kid scream. It is what it is at this point.
Monica (:It's real
Nicole (:Literally.
Kelsie (:When we started trying, obviously, started going, time started going and we were never even when we weren't trying, we were not really being careful. Okay. Being careful was never a thing. We weren't on birth control. We didn't use condoms. Pull out was all that there was. We were not careful even when we weren't trying.
So that alone, not getting pregnant for those years is impressive. But then when we started trying, we weren't getting pregnant. We weren't getting pregnant. And I asked around like nine months, I want to say. I asked my doctor and she said, you know, you haven't been trying for a year yet. Just keep on. I'm like, OK, but at this point. And she the thing that haunts me to this day, you're young.
You're young, just keep trying. Do you know how much time I could have saved if I had a doctor who didn't say, you're young, just keep trying. But so we kept trying and
Nicole (:and
Yeah.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Kelsie (:Trevor got deployed. He was gone for six months, which was a nice break mentally. But I also, Dilulu convinced myself that when he came back, that was gonna be it. We were gonna get pregnant. Spoiler alert, we did not get pregnant. And we didn't get pregnant for a couple more years. So we moved.
we're a military family. We moved and we got settled in and at my first pap smear gynecology appointment I, you know, brought it up to my doctor that we had been trying for several years and we had no success and I was fully, traumatically prepared for her to shut me down but she did not. She instantly got us in for
I will say one thing that she turned to Trevor in our first like meeting and she said Does your wife eat? I'm So she basically asked my husband if I had an eating disorder and my husband is so not serious at all and so he he kind of chuckled and was like Yeah, he straight -up said
Nicole (:that's...
Monica (:Ugh.
Ashley (:Wow.
Monica (:no.
Nicole (:I'm trying to picture him in this situation.
Monica (:Stop, he did.
Ashley (:god.
Nicole (:No, she don't eat. All right, and he probably didn't think anything of it like.
Kelsie (:because he's very un -serious and I'm like, yeah, no, he didn't. And I was like, I was really mad. I'm like, I eat. Yeah, I know. Yeah, we had it out later. I was like, you cannot say that growing up as a skinny person. Like if someone asks you that, it's not a joke. so anyways, she took it very seriously. She started running tests. and I had a bunch of
Nicole (:You can't tell her that.
Mm -mm.
Kelsie (:and then Trevor had a sperm analysis and then I had one where they shoot dye up into your tubes and make sure that they're open and the
Monica (:wow. I have not either. Wow.
Nicole (:I've never heard of that test before.
Ashley (:Mm -mm.
Kelsie (:Yeah, they put something through your cervix and they shoot dye to make sure your tubes are open. And the tech that day said, well, a lot of people get pregnant after this. And I was so mad at her. was mad. was like, who says that to somebody who's, you know, they're experiencing infertility. Like that's such false hope. It's such false hope. And then Trevor did his sperm analysis in that same timeframe.
Ashley (:Wow.
Nicole (:Yeah, that's a weird thing to say.
Kelsie (:and we were supposed to have a sit down I think like two weeks later to discuss all of that and the plan and I got pregnant.
Ashley (:Wow.
Kelsie (:After several years and lots of pain and heartache right when we were about to get answers, I got pregnant. So that lady was right, but it really pissed me off that she said that anyways.
Monica (:Yeah, no, those kind of comments and appointments are just like, they might be saying them with good intentions, but they stick with you and you never know how it's going to land with that that woman or that mom.
Ashley (:You
Nicole (:Yeah, but you just can't. Yeah.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Kelsie (:Yeah, and I just think it's just a dangerous thing to say when especially like, that's a whole. Yeah, it's a whole side thing that I could rant on forever. But so anyways, I got pregnant. That pregnancy was relatively easy, other than like I started bleeding once at like 15 weeks, like a lot, and I thought it was losing him. But it was a hematoma and it all turned out OK. I had him. It was a relatively easy pregnancy after that. But then.
Monica (:You don't know, you can't guarantee.
Kelsie (:right after that we were like we don't want to wait to try again because what if it what if it's hard again and a little bit we were delusionally hoping that it wouldn't be hard you know because a lot of people are like after your first one we never had trouble again you want to hope that but one again that's another toxic positivity thing just not to say to somebody because we did not get pregnant easy again we tried
Nicole (:Yeah, understandable.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, not true.
Monica (:Mm -hmm.
Kelsie (:another year and I was too afraid to ask for help before then and I wish I hadn't been because after a year I went to my doctor again and I said it's been a year we can't get pregnant and he said let's get a sperm analysis because you got pregnant and so let's and I said well we had one but we never found out the results because we got pregnant and then I had a whole bunch of testing done at the beginning because a whole other side story about my weight
Nicole (:Right.
Kelsie (:where they thought I had Marfan syndrome. And so a whole bunch of things unraveled at the beginning where we didn't circle back to check the sperm analysis because we were pregnant. So he's like, let's do that. And I was like, well, we have one. And he's like, is it in our system? I said it should be. He pulled it up and his face dropped. And he's like, this is low.
Nicole (:Mm -hmm. Yeah, why would you?
Kelsie (:I can't remember the number, but he was like, you have the sperm count is very low compared to it's supposed to be in like the millions, you know, it's supposed to be very high. It was very low, like 15 ,000. I want to say. And I'm sorry, Trevor, I'm here now, true to laundry. I think it's important to talk about, though, because fertility is not just always on the female and it often gets looked at that way. But it's almost.
Nicole (:Sorry Trevor, we love you.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Nicole (:was just going to say that. I was just gonna
Kelsie (:It's almost 50%. It's 40 to 50%. I can't remember the exact statistic. It's just as likely to be the male as it is to be the female. So anyways, we got that figured out. So Trevor got to referred to urology where he got some other tests done. basically we thought we were gonna have to have IVF. But we were getting close to moving again.
And so we decided to wait to our next duty station to really try and jump into IVF. So in that time, I got pregnant. And pretty quickly, I had a bad feeling about it and I didn't tell anybody. I just hoped that I was just being scared because
Nicole (:Yeah, you're
Kelsie (:And being in the infertility community, it's also the miscarriage community. on Instagram, like I was full in there. And so I saw all, you know, I saw miscarriages daily. And that was at the forefront of my mind. So I thought, you know, everyone's afraid of having a miscarriage, but I just really felt pretty deeply that something was wrong. And I would actually like clutch my belly.
Nicole (:Yeah. So that was at the forefront of your mind.
Literally.
Kelsie (:and I would sing a hymn like half faith in God and I started bleeding shortly after Christmas. I can remember the I remember the moment like we were sitting there doing a puzzle at the table and I got a cramp like a period cramp and I just I went to the bathroom and I knew I was gonna see blood and I did.
Nicole (:That's the worst. Yeah.
Kelsie (:And so we went to the hospital and after an ultrasound, they said how far along? I mean, obviously we discussed how far along I was supposed to be. It was supposed to be eight weeks and I was measuring six. So it was a missed miscarriage. And so I got sent, she said, you know, it could still be that you just don't know the exact conception. And I was like, my periods are very regular. And
it's not likely that I would be this off.
Nicole (:I was gonna say with your journey already thus far, it's not likely that you wouldn't know where you were at. You were tracking a lot of things, you were trying for a while, you were very intuitive with what was happening in your body. She was, of course.
Kelsie (:Yeah, we were tracking a lot of things. And she was trying to be positive. And I said, what are the I said, what are the chances that that with a regular period and me like tracking all this, that I could still be off and, and she just looked at me with like pity in her eyes. And she's like, means probably not, you know, and she's like, but and this is one of my moments that stuck in my
Nicole (:You're right.
Kelsie (:for as long as I can remember, it's one of the best healthcare moments I've ever had is she grabbed my hand and she said, I want you to know no matter what happens, there's nothing that you did right or wrong that caused this. And for an ER doctor, like I got more compassion from that ER doctor than I did from my midwife. So anyways, I went home. I miscarried the next night, I believe, in my bathtub.
Nicole (:Yeah. Shit. You're getting me.
irregular docutor.
Kelsie (:And it was pretty dark from there. So I went to, I went to my, without skipping all the details, but I did go to my midwife. I had to have a follow -up ultrasound to make sure that I had all of the pregnancy that I had birthed at all, because miscarriage is birth. It is giving birth. And it was all gone. So my midwife,
Ashley (:Yeah, understandably.
Nicole (:awh
Kelsie (:That was like the worst experience ever. She was very cold. She was she wasn't my regular doctor, but still, I think like she was like, yeah, there's there's no matter left. You know, you can start trying and like, I can't remember even what she said. I got more compassion from the lady drawing my blood like I went I had to go have my HG, your CG drawn to make sure there was dropping and I was.
Nicole (:How can you be a midwife and be cold? Like... Okay.
Kelsie (:bawling and the midwife just like sent me on my way and the lady drawing my blood was like, because it was COVID so I had a mask. She was like, take your mask off. Like, you can take your mask off. Just cry like just just a second and you know, take your time get you know, and so you get way more compassion from the people you don't expect it from but anyways, so we return back to our plan of trying to get help when we moved.
Nicole (:Right.
True.
Kelsie (:So then we got stationed in Hawaii and I was really struggling with the miscarriage and then struggling to get pregnant again because once again everyone's like you're gonna get pregnant after your miscarriage you're so much more fertile like you'll get pregnant right away. Once again, never say that. So almost a year to the day goes by we're trying to
Nicole (:That's weird to tell somebody that just miscarried. That's not okay.
Ashley (:Another wonderful comment.
Kelsie (:and it's really hard because of COVID and it's extra hard because we're in Hawaii. And my doctor, even though we had proof that Trevor was, and his urologist was on board with him, like us being referred to the clinic, my doctor said, you haven't been trying a year from your miscarriage, so you need to keep trying.
Nicole (:What?
Monica (:No way.
Nicole (:What? No way! They did not tell you that.
Kelsie (:Yeah, he did. And it really pisses me off because it is it's a lot of mistime and around so around November. That's just an important date in this even though I haven't been giving timelines because I decided within myself that I was done. I was depressed like I was crying all the time. I was so just mentally
Monica (:That's so much missed time.
Nicole (:Right.
All
Kelsie (:in good place and.
Nicole (:How could you be though?
Kelsie (:and
I decided I was done. I didn't tell Trevor. I just decided within me. I was like, I can't do this anymore. I have to save myself. I have to save.
I can't, I'm not me, like my light is gone. And as much as I want babies,
I'm not gonna be, I can't continue on this path. Like I have to call it quits. I have to start trying to accept that this might not ever happen for us. And I have to try
Move past the baby that we lost
So I decided that within myself and I couldn't share it because I didn't want to be talked out of it. And so I just started like trying to focus on other things, which is how I joined an MLM.
Monica (:Ha
Ashley (:What?
Kelsie (:No, but really, I... So here's another story. But it is kind of important to this one a little bit. So I started channeling in my energy into my makeup and like making makeup videos and like that can sound dumb or cheesy, but it is how I segueed my mind. Not to make light of it, like I just had to pick something to focus on that wasn't
Nicole (:That's another story.
we met.
Yeah, no, of course. You're literally crawling yourself out of the deepest, darkest hole. You have to grab something. Just anything.
Ashley (:An outlet, yeah.
Monica (:Mm -hmm. Just something.
Ashley (:fletching at anything, yeah.
Kelsie (:Yeah, and it actually it really did help like focusing my energy elsewhere really did help. then Trevor was getting ready to leave again. And I found out probably around the same time that I lost our baby. In December, I found out that I was pregnant.
very unexpectedly and right at the year mark that the doctor said I had to wait to which really pisses me
Nicole (:crazy how that works.
I've had said right yeah go go figure Very bothered about that
Ashley (:Another... yeah. Yeah, fucking annoying.
Kelsie (:I'm a little bit bothered because that's... But anyways, so I got pregnant and yeah, that's where we are today. had a... I mean, it was a... Your second baby is just more painful, okay? Everything relaxes a lot faster, so it was a little more uncomfortable, but all in all, it was an easy pregnancy for the most part and I had him in like three hours, like from start to finish, from first contraction to the end.
Nicole (:think so. Yeah.
Monica (:so much.
Nicole (:wow. wow.
Monica (:That is crazy.
Kelsie (:But so here we are again. I just stopped breastfeeding. He's almost two and we want another baby and that really unlocks a lot of fear about doing it all over again. But we know we're not done. And so here we are just playing the game again.
Nicole (:Yeah,
Ashley (:Yep.
Nicole (:Well, think this time though, you're armed with a little bit more knowledge, if anything, and you can advocate for yourself a little bit more. So next time a doctor tries to tell you you have to wait a year, you can be like, I'm not subscribing to that, and then you could move on. No, you really didn't. And probably with like military, I don't know, do you guys have military healthcare, I would assume?
Monica (:journey.
Kelsie (:During COVID, it's like you didn't really have a choice. Like
Ashley (:Yeah, everything was so fucked
Kelsie (:Yeah, I don't usually choose to do I usually choose to not be in the military health care I use I just pay a little bit extra to go out into the world. Yeah, but in Hawaii and because of COVID I did choose and we wanted to use their fertility clinic, I did choose to use the military health care and at that point like I had no other segues to get out of it that situation. But
Nicole (:Okay. Right. Because I was going to say like sometimes your options are just so limited, especially. Yeah.
Mm -hmm.
All right.
Kelsie (:So anyways, I'm hoping not to fall back into the depths of that again, but it's such slippery slope of trauma.
Monica (:Yeah.
Nicole (:Yeah, it absolutely is. I you're just, I just, you're really, I just want to say like, we love you. You're so strong for going through what you went through. And it, it's, it's not fair, but we're just glad we know you and we love you and we're proud of everything that you have gone through and it's made you so.
Monica (:Yeah, I mean, it's interesting.
Ashley (:Even though it's not fair you had to go through it. Yeah.
Nicole (:Strong and I think you speak so well about it. actually love this is a horrible topic to speak about right? but I actually love hearing you speak about it because you you just talk about it so eloquently and I You are and I can hear your passion about it and
Kelsie (:Something I'm really passionate about. I think that's...
And I think I kind of left out that like, after my miscarriage, I created a miscarriage Instagram, where I literally documented every feeling and like I made, I drew things and that was like my content. And I think I poured into that so much that also did not help. I honestly don't, I have so much respect for the infertility miscarriage creators that continue through their whole journey to document it.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Nicole (:I was gonna say, that healing or was that hindering?
Kelsie (:it was healing to a point and then it became the thing that I couldn't, like it became the thing that kept me too deep into it and like everybody else shared their story with me, which I love when people share their stories with me, but, then I felt that I owed them my, that I felt like I owed that to them too. And I don't regret that. I, it's so important to me.
Monica (:Mmm.
Nicole (:Yeah. No.
Kelsie (:And anytime somebody messages me that they're struggling, like, I will stop whatever I'm doing and I'll talk to them about it. But it became the thing that I couldn't. I couldn't get out of it. Like I had myself so deep into that mindset that I couldn't see the light of day. So it had that was when I said I had to stop, I had I quit that account. It's still there. I never touch it because I want people to have those resources. But I had to stop
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Nicole (:Right, yeah. Yeah, I can see.
Kelsie (:and completely step away.
Monica (:Mm You just recognized that you're at your limit with capacity.
Nicole (:That's good.
Kelsie (:I recognize, yeah, that I wasn't gonna be okay if I didn't stop.
Monica (:It's a hard thing to recognize though, think, in most areas of life, but especially one that is just so personal and so close to home.
Kelsie (:Yeah, I'm pretty positive and like, I like to be the light and when I realized that that wasn't me anymore, then I had to bring it back in. yeah.
Nicole (:Mm Yep.
Monica (:Well, I feel like sharing all of our stories is like such a good example of how like it can range so much for everybody's experiences. I'm curious, like for you Kelsie, like if you could go back and tell like that younger version of you still going through it or anybody listening who might be going through it, like what would you tell them?
Kelsie (:what I would tell myself and what I would tell somebody else is different because you get told a lot of cliches when you're experiencing infertility and I have people always say everything happens for a reason and I think that's bullshit. But looking back on it, I have
Monica (:Mm -hmm.
Nicole (:Our least favorite saying.
Kelsie (:the kids that I have because of the way things happened and like I can't wish that away like if I had had my second baby would I have maverick I don't I don't know so you have to like find peace with like that's that's a so anyways what I would tell my what I would tell my younger self is that
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Nicole (:you
Monica (:hard ones complex.
Ashley (:Hmm
Kelsie (:What are you telling yourself is that you are going to get through it and it's going to suck, but you are going to make so many connections along the way that I hope you never regret this journey as much as it's hard because you make such a difference in people who maybe never even speak to you about it.
because sharing your vulnerable moments is power. And if I could just remind her every step of the way that, it gets better and it, and it makes me who I am today. and it doesn't make it okay. I still am mad that that's, that we've had such a difficult journey. but to somebody else, I would say, you
Don't listen to the toxic positivity. It's okay that it sucks and it's okay to be mad about it. And it's okay to be sad about it. Yep. And just know that
Nicole (:Yep, feel your feelings. It's okay.
Kelsie (:doesn't it's not okay it's not like no cut the crap it's not okay that's what i would say it's not okay
Nicole (:Yeah, yeah. And it's okay that it's not okay. you know, yeah, no toxic positivity.
Kelsie (:And if it's never okay, then just, and if it never changes, like just know that like what you've gone through is something that not everyone will understand and that's okay. They don't have to.
Nicole (:Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Monica (:I love that you shared that though, because I think being able to share our stories, whether it's the pretty or the ugly or the easy or the hard is really, important. And just making space for being able to share those stories is so important.
Nicole (:yes
Ashley (:agreed.
Nicole (:This is the space for it. Share everything with us please. If you don't have the group chat, we'll be the group chat for you.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm.
Kelsie (:So thanks for letting me share that with you. It won't always be that deep or sad or it won't always be mommy content, but it is give you a look into who we are, who I am. And I'm very into connecting on a vulnerable and deep level. And I feel like that's important.
I hope you feel like you're a part of the group chat now.
Nicole (:yeah, so thank you guys for listening and hanging in. If you made it to the end of this episode, we appreciate you guys so, much. Please make sure that you follow us on all things social. if a little bit bothered, hit subscribe. I have a hair. Do all the things.
Monica (:So much.
Kelsie (:hit subscribe, leave us a review.
Monica (:Right, give us a rating and a review. We are not above.
Ashley (:Mm -hmm. Review, yes. Message us.
Nicole (:We're not professional podcasters yet guys, so we don't know all the things to say but do all the things that you do for the other podcasts, okay? Ain't too proud to beg. Do the buttons, do the things,
Kelsie (:Five stars.
Monica (:Yes. We're not above begging. us a good review.
Ashley (:Yeah.
Click all the buttons. You guys, click the buttons. Click all the buttons for us.
Monica (:well everybody, thank you so much for listening. Stay tuned for next week's episode.
